


Paper Bag Diplomacy

by galaxysoup



Category: The Paper Bag Princess - Robert Munsch
Genre: Female Character In Command, Female Protagonist, Gen, Illustrated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-08
Updated: 2012-12-08
Packaged: 2017-11-20 14:27:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/586371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxysoup/pseuds/galaxysoup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Princess Elizabeth has vanquished the Dragon and danced off into the sunset. Too bad the story doesn't end there! Now she has a kingdom to run and some very uppity neighbors to manage. Her only weapons: a half-burnt country, a certain way with words, and the kind of moxie that lets her bluff a dragon while armed only with a paper bag...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paper Bag Diplomacy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [atheilen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/atheilen/gifts).



> For Atheilen, from my childhood to yours. I hope I managed to do it justice! I do apologize for the quality of the illustrations - I’m no artist, but a Paper Bag Princess story didn’t seem complete without them so I have done my best.

[ ](http://smg.beta.photobucket.com/user/capedcrusader92/media/1-1.jpg.html)

Elizabeth looked at the remains of her castle.

“Well,” she said. “This is bad.”

“Yes, Princess,” the Head Housekeeper said sadly. “I’m afraid it’s quite a mess.”

“Did anyone else get out?” Elizabeth asked.

“The Captain of the Guard and the Chief Librarian,” the Head Housekeeper said. “All the soldiers and the books got burnt up, though.”

They found the Captain of the Guard and the Chief Librarian in the tavern.

“I had just finished recataloging the history section,” the Chief Librarian moaned. “All that work!”

“Our training ground was state of the art,” the Captain of the Guard said mournfully. “Now all of our weapons have been melted!”

That wasn’t the only bad news, unfortunately.

“I have a cousin in the Northern Kingdom,” the Captain of the Guard said. “He says the King wants to take over your kingdom now that it’s been burnt up.”

“ _Most_ of it is still fine,” Elizabeth said, annoyed.

“I also have a brother in the Southern Kingdom,” the Captain of the Guard said. “He says the Queen there wants to do the same thing.”

“Perhaps Prince Ronald’s father in the Western Kingdom could help us,” the Head Housekeeper said. “Where is the Prince, come to think of it?”

“He’s probably walking home,” Elizabeth said. “I don’t think we should expect any help from him. It should take him quite a while to get there.” It was a good distance to the seashore, and Ronald would still have to find a boat to get him the rest of the way home. That, at least, was working out to her satisfaction.

“Good riddance,” said the Head Housekeeper.

“You deserved better,” said the Captain of the Guard.

“I would give you a stirring romance novel to cheer you up but all the books are gone,” the Chief Librarian said gloomily.

“I think non-fiction will be of more use right now, anyway,” Elizabeth said. “What can you tell me about the Northern and Southern Kingdoms?”

The Librarian brightened immediately. “Ah! Well, the Southern Kingdom first developed a system of writing nearly two thousand years ago - “

“Possibly a little more current?” Elizabeth said quickly.

“Hmm,” the Chief Librarian said. “Well, their main exports are lumber and charmingly painted clogs. The Northern Kingdom’s main exports are cattle and rather odd hats. I can recite their national anthems, too, if you’d like.”

“Thank you, I think that’s enough,” Elizabeth said. “I suppose I shall have to talk to their representatives next.”

“I’ll see if I can find you something a little nicer to wear in the meantime,” the Head Housekeeper said delicately.

[ ](http://smg.beta.photobucket.com/user/capedcrusader92/media/2.jpg.html)

They did their best to make the tavern look regal and the Head Housekeeper did find Elizabeth a nice dress. The Queen of the Southern Kingdom and the King of the Northern Kingdom did not look very impressed.

“It would be far safer if you allowed me to annex your kingdom,” the Queen said. “Together we could be very mighty. I would be in charge, of course.”

“Look,” the King said. “You don’t know anything about running a kingdom, much less one that’s basically ruined. If you let me annex your kingdom you won’t have to worry about it. You could still live here and everything.”

“Thank you both for your offers,” Elizabeth said. “But I am not worried for my safety and I am a very fast learner. The misfire may have destroyed the castle but the rest of the country is perfectly fine.”

“Misfire?” the Queen asked.

“Oh, yes,” Elizabeth said brightly. “We are very interested in scientific advancement. The second test went much better. Perhaps you noticed the forests that got burnt up a little later?”

The Queen looked alarmed. “I did not realise that was deliberate,” she said. “Yes, I see that you can defend yourself. Perhaps we should talk about alliances some other time.”

“I do not believe you,” the King said when the Queen had left. “I don’t think you have a secret weapon. I think you are making all this up. I would have liked to take your kingdom peacefully but I can see I have no choice.”

“That is certainly regrettable,” Elizabeth said.

[ ](http://smg.beta.photobucket.com/user/capedcrusader92/media/3.jpg.html)

“This is very bad,” the Captain of the Guard said when the King had stomped off.

“At least the Queen believed it,” the Head Housekeeper said. “That’s better than nothing.”

“I wish I still had a decent atlas,” the Chief Librarian said. “We may need to go into hiding.”

“I’m going to take a walk and clear my head,” Elizabeth said.

The Dragon was still asleep in front of his cave, right where Elizabeth had left him.

“Hey, Dragon!” she called.

He twitched a little in his sleep.

“HEY, DRAGON!” she shouted, and poked him with a stick.

He opened one eye.

“Oh, no,” he said. “Not you again. I don’t want to show you any more tricks. I’m tired.”

“And probably really hungry, too, right?” Elizabeth said.

“Yes, but people run too fast,” the Dragon said. “And I am too tired to chase anybody right now.”

“Cattle don’t run very fast,” Elizabeth said. “They taste better than people, too. I could tell you where to find some if you do me a favor.”

The Dragon opened the other eye. “What kind of favor?”

“I want you to promise to never eat anything in my kingdom ever again,” Elizabeth said.

The Dragon considered this. “Not even the little shiny people that come in their own tinfoil?” he asked.

“Knights?” Elizabeth guessed. “No, not even them. Nobody and nothing.” All of Elizabeth’s knights were gone now, anyway.

“Let me try some cattle first,” the Dragon said finally. “And then I’ll let you know.”

Elizabeth waited outside the Dragon’s cave until he came back.

“Those things are delicious!” the Dragon said. “And there are so many of them! Okay, you have a deal.”

“All right, I believe you now,” the King said when Elizabeth got back to the tavern. “I won’t try to take your kingdom. My country has always been a great friend of yours, you know.”

“And I hope to continue that friendship,” Elizabeth said gravely. “Please have a safe trip back.”

[ ](http://smg.beta.photobucket.com/user/capedcrusader92/media/4.jpg.html)

“I hope the dragon doesn’t eat too many of their cattle,” the Head Housekeeper said. “It would be a shame if the people didn’t have enough to eat. Do you think he’ll go back for seconds?”

Elizabeth winced. She had not really thought about that, and it was not really fair to punish the Northern Kingdom people for their King’s behavior.

“Do you know anything about Dragons?” she asked the Chief Librarian.

The Chief Librarian knew a lot about dragons. Even after Elizabeth had convinced her to leave out fictional stories, songs, and epic poems, she still had quite a bit to say.

“It’s too bad that the biology section got toasted,” the Chief Librarian said. “There was a lovely book about dragon feeding habits with some delightfully colorful illustrations. They were mostly _red_ illustrations, of course.”

“I can imagine,” said Elizabeth, wincing. “I don’t suppose there are any vegetarian dragons?”

“None that have been written about,” the Chief Librarian said thoughtfully. “But there have been some pescatarians.”

The Dragon was lying on his back in a patch of sun outside his cave with all his legs in the air.

“Those cattle were tasty but I feel very sluggish now,” he said as Elizabeth approached. “I think they were far more filling than I was expecting.”

“Have you ever tried fish?” Elizabeth asked.

The dragon scowled at her. It was not very threatening upside-down.

“I am a _Dragon_ ,” he said. I _hunt_. What do I want with tiny slimy squiggly things in water?”

“I apologize,” said Elizabeth. “You’re right. And they are so difficult to catch. It’s probably not worth trying.”

The Dragon rolled over. “I could catch some if I wanted to,” he said.

“I’m sure you could,” Elizabeth said reassuringly. “Although they are a lot faster than people and I remember that was a problem for you.”

“It was only because I was tired!” The Dragon protested. “I feel much more lively now! I’ll prove it.”

He flew away. Elizabeth went back to her town. It would take a while for the Dragon to fly to the ocean and even longer for him to find any fish. He wouldn’t want to come back until he had caught some and proved her wrong. He might be gone for quite some time.

The next morning Elizabeth woke to the sound of screaming.

“The dragon is back!” The Captain of the Guard shouted, arming himself with a frying pan from the tavern’s kitchen. “And he... brought a fish?”

“I told you I could do it!” the Dragon said smugly, dropping his fish in front of the tavern door. It was the size of a horse. “It wasn’t that hard. I am a very good swimmer and it turns out that some of the fish are quite large.”

“Dragon, I am impressed,” Elizabeth said. “Did you like the way it tasted?”

“It was a little salty,” the Dragon said, “But not too bad. The fun of catching them makes up for it.”

[ ](http://smg.beta.photobucket.com/user/capedcrusader92/media/5.jpg.html)

With the Dragon’s appetite taken care of and the Northern and Southern Kingdoms their friendly neighbors once more, Elizabeth and her people could start putting everything back together. The Head Housekeeper oversaw the rebuilding of the castle, the Captain of the Guard ordered more weapons, and the Chief Librarian set off on a trip to buy more books. Elizabeth learned more and more about running a country and making sure everyone was taken care of.

When Prince Ronald showed up, the town had been nearly put back together.

“Did you make it home alright?” Elizabeth asked politely.

“Yes, thank you,” Prince Ronald said. “Look, Elizabeth, your kingdom has been through a lot. I wanted you to know that I forgive you being a little overwrought about the whole dragon thing.”

“That’s nice. I haven’t really thought about it much but I don’t think I forgive _you_ for being a big jerk,” Elizabeth said, annoyed.

Prince Ronald scowled. “The point is, I know you don’t have a secret weapon. That was just the Dragon and you can’t control him. My father and I were willing to do this peacefully, with the marriage, but I really just don’t see that working out any more. If you surrender your kingdom now there doesn’t need to be any bloodshed.”

“Are you sure that I can’t control the Dragon?” Elizabeth said. “You’ve been traveling for a while, Ronald. It’s possible that you haven’t heard about the Southern Kingdom’s forests and the Northern Kingdom’s cattle.”

“I heard,” Prince Ronald said. “But the Western Kingdom is a mining country. You can’t set fire to a quarry. You have no army and no secret weapon.”

“He’s right, you know,” the Captain of the Guard said when Prince Ronald had left. “We can’t defend ourselves against the Western Kingdom’s navy or their army once they land. What have we got left?”

“The Princess will think of something,” the Head Housekeeper said sternly. “Stop being so gloomy.”

But Elizabeth wasn’t so sure.

“I will go take a walk to clear my head,” she said.

She walked to a hill near the Dragon’s cave and sat down. She could see the town and the fields around it. All of her people looked very small from this distance. She had no idea how she was going to keep them safe.

Ronald was right. Quarries wouldn’t catch on fire. He had many more soldiers than she did. Her only weapon was the Dragon and while he might be able to light Ronald’s navy on fire, she did not know how to make him do it. He might be able to eat the army, but she had just barely convinced him to eat fish instead of people.

The Dragon sat down next to her with a thump that made her teeth rattle.

“Oh, you’re back again,” he said.

Elizabeth was too busy worrying to say anything back.

“I suppose you have a new idea of some kind,” the Dragon tried again.

“No, Dragon,” Elizabeth said. “I am all out of ideas today.”

The Dragon sighed. “That is too bad. I was getting bored. In fact, I was doing some thinking. When we first met I burned down forests to the south of you. A few weeks ago I ate cattle to the north of you. Are you planning to conquer all this land?”

“No,” Elizabeth said sadly. “I did have enemies in those places but I just wanted them to leave me alone. Now Ronald is coming from the west and I don’t know what to do.”

“Ronald?” the Dragon asked.

“The one you took and held in your cave when we first met.”

“Oh!” the Dragon said. “My after-dinner mint! He was extremely irritating. I think he would have given me indigestion. Is he the one with the boats sailing towards you?”

Elizabeth winced. Ronald and his father were moving very quickly. “Yes, that would be him.”

“You know, not only am I the fastest dragon with the hottest fire, I am also extremely precise,” the Dragon said.

“That’s nice,” Elizabeth said.

“I would imagine those little boats are very hard to hit,” the Dragon hinted.

Elizabeth looked at him. “I bet you couldn’t hit just one,” she said slowly.

The Dragon smiled. “I bet I could.”

“Prove it,” Elizabeth said, smiling back.

[ ](http://smg.beta.photobucket.com/user/capedcrusader92/media/6.jpg.html)

The Captain of the Guard, the Head Housekeeper, and the Chief Librarian were very happy to hear that Elizabeth had a new plan. They were less happy when they heard what it was.

“I am a soldier. If anyone is to go into battle it should be me,” the Captain of the Guard said.

“It must be clear that the Dragon is working _with_ us. I am the leader, so it must be me,” Elizabeth said for the tenth time.

“Well, the ancient warriors of Samothrip _were_ all women,” the Chief Librarian said. “They were very formidable.”

“You’ll need some nice armor, dear,” the Head Housekeeper said.

The Captain of the Guard sighed. “Very well,” he said. “My nephew is a blacksmith. I will have him make something for you.”

The Captain of the Guard returned the next day with his nephew and some armor for Elizabeth.

Elizabeth tried it on.

“It is very pretty,” she said after a long moment. “And very, um, shiny. I feel that I should point out, however, that it has extra space in places where I don’t need any. In fact, that space could be of better use a little higher up.”

“What?” said the blacksmith, who had only made armor for boy soldiers.

“Oh,” said the Captain of the Guard, looking embarrassed.

They came back that afternoon with new armor.

“We have taken your requests into account,” the blacksmith said proudly. “This should be much more to your liking, Princess!”

“No,” Elizabeth said flatly. “I appreciate how sparkly it is, but I am certain that armor is supposed to cover more of me.”

“I have altered a guard uniform and chain mail,” the Head Housekeeper said when the blacksmith had gone. “It should fit reasonably well.”

“Thank you,” Elizabeth said gratefully. “That was very practical.”

[ ](http://smg.beta.photobucket.com/user/capedcrusader92/media/7final.jpg.html)

The Dragon met her at the edge of the town.

“Sit above my shoulders,” he said. “And hang on tight. I am not used to passengers, but I will do my best not to drop you.”

Elizabeth climbed up. From where she sat the Dragon seemed much, much larger than before. She held on tight.

With a powerful heave, the Dragon leapt into the air. Wind rushed by Elizabeth’s face.

“This is amazing!” Elizabeth said as the ground dropped away beneath them. “The world is so much bigger than I thought.”

“That is why dragons are so large,” the Dragon said smugly. “You must be mighty to fly like we do.”

They flew towards the sea. Ronald’s father’s ships looked very small and the sea looked very intimidating. The Dragon swooped low so that everyone on the ships could see them, and then he climbed once more into the air.

“Remember,” Elizabeth said, “This test is about your ability to hit one ship amongst many, not to see whether you can destroy them all.”

“I remember,” the Dragon said. “That one there, with the green flag - watch this!”

The Dragon breathed deep and blew out a single jet of flame. The ship with the green flag crumbled and burned. The ships around it quickly sailed away.

The Dragon flew lower and hovered in front of the lead ship. Elizabeth waited until she could see Ronald and his father on the deck.

“I have no interest in killing you all!” She shouted. “But I refuse to be conquered! You are not welcome here. Turn back and there will be no more destruction!”

There was a pause from the ship. It looked like Ronald and his father were arguing. Finally, a white flag appeared above the railing.

“No more target practice?” the Dragon said, disappointed.

“We could go fishing on our way back,” Elizabeth offered.

“I am a little hungry,” the Dragon agreed, flying up high again and leaving the ships behind.

[ ](http://smg.beta.photobucket.com/user/capedcrusader92/media/8.jpg.html)

They landed back in front of the Dragon’s cave several hours later, much wetter and burdened with a big fish. Elizabeth slid off the Dragon’s back and sat nearby as he ate his dinner.

“Dragon,” she said slowly, “Why are you helping me?”

The Dragon scuffed the ground with one claw and did not look her in the eye. “Well,” he said, “You may be little and squishy but your mind is interesting. I have been very bored all by myself.”

Elizabeth smiled. “I am glad to provide you with something to do.”

The Dragon pulled off a section of fish and breathed a little fire on it. “Dinner?”

“Thank you,” Elizabeth said gravely.

They sat and ate together until the sun set.

[ ](http://smg.beta.photobucket.com/user/capedcrusader92/media/9.jpg.html)


End file.
